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How to be a Prophet in 8 Easy Steps!

Would you like to be a Prophet?  Apparently there are dozens of people who claim to be and wish to be a prophet.

Tragically, I have only met two true Men of God in my lifetime that I would consider to hold the office of a Prophet.  Their prophecies were extremely accurate and to the point and they were correct 100% of the time, despite being rejected by those around them. 

Anyway, here is a series of 8 easy ways that YOU TOO can be a prophet in today's church! 

Step 1: Make lots of predictions, and hope that some come true. Make predictions about lots of different subject matters, that way you have a better chance of getting some right.  If some do come true, point to them with pride. Ignore the others and don't mention them. 

Step 2: Be very vague and ambiguous. Never be specific about anything since definite statements can be wrong.  If you make "possible" statements, they can always be reinterpreted. Make sure you use descriptive modifiers like these wherever possible:

I feel that . . .

I see a picture of . . .

It might be that . . .

Perhaps . . .

Look for . . .

I'm getting . . .

If I'm hearing correctly . . .

Someone in here has _____________ (insert your favorite malady or trouble.  This works especially well in large crowds.  It's a given that in a crowd of 500, someone has 'financial trouble' or has 'health problems')

Step 3: Use a lot of symbolism. Be metaphorical, using images of animals, general names, and initials. They can be fitted to many situations by believers.   

Step 4: Cover the situation both ways and select the winner as the "real" intent of your statement.  For example, tell someone a particular thing will happen to them then tell them "but if" you repent or "if" you do so-and so or (and this is a favorite) "if you'll just sow a seed in faith", God won't let this happen.  If a bad thing does happen, you can say "See?"  You didn't repent (or didn't do or sow "in faith").  If the bad thing doesn't happen you can say See?  I told you what to do so it wouldn't happen and you repented (or did whatever or sowed the seed "in faith")  This is favorite gimmick of false prophets everywhere. 

Step 5: Credit God with your success, and blame yourself for any incorrect interpretations of His divine messages. This way, skeptics and "finger pointers" have to fight God.  This is a good one and you'll hear this often.  The false prophets when confronted with their false prophecies all like to say "well, I just "missed" God on that one" or "I guess I didn't hear correctly".

Step 6: No matter how often you're wrong, plow ahead anyway. As long as you provide new sensational prophecies, Believers won't notice your mistakes, and will continue to follow your every word.  This way, you get your name spread abroad like wildfire and as long as you get a prediction right once in a while, most the church today will think you really are a prophet. 

Step 7: Predict catastrophes, especially earthquakes; they are more easily remembered and more popular by far.  Don't EVER be specific though unless you're predicting one for California since they have quakes all the time.  Most of your disaster predictions won't come true, but when one eventually does, you'll have fame for your "right" prediction and believers will have forgotten all about your other false predictions.

Step 8: When predicting after the fact of an event (before someone actually catches wind of the event), but representing that the prophecy preceded the event, be wrong just enough to appear uncertain about the exact details; too good a prophecy is suspect and subject to close scrutiny.

If you follow these steps, you'll learn to be a prophet for today's church in no time.  Who cares that the bible says you must be 100% right in EVERY case or you are a false prophet?  Just because it is written in the bible, we can't actually believe the old outdated,  archaic OLD Testament Word of God can we?  I mean, we're supposed to be full of "love" and "mercy", right?

Deuteronomy 18:22  "When a prophet speaketh in the name of the LORD, if the thing follow not, nor come to pass, that is the thing which the LORD hath not spoken, but the prophet hath spoken it presumptuously: thou shalt not be afraid of him."

We have mega-evangelists who are wrong all the time and they still have followers, so what's the big deal if you miss a few here and there?  Right?

Friends, the church today is deceived beyond belief.  Why?  They are following signs and wonders.  Jesus said this was an indication of an evil and adulterous generation:

Matthew 16:4  "A wicked and adulterous generation seeketh after a sign;..."

Perhaps the Prophet Jeremiah said it best: 

Jeremiah 6:16  "Thus saith the LORD, Stand ye in the ways, and see, and ask for the old paths, where is the good way, and walk therein, and ye shall find rest for your souls...."

Beloved, you need to TRY these so called prophets of today by the very Word of God which they proclaim to speak.  If their words and their predictions are "generalized" or if they do not come to pass, you should wholeheartedly reject them as being a prophet.  They are NOT a true prophet of God! 

 Perhaps it would be beneficial to you to read the article on this site entitled "Exposing False Gifts in the Church".

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